Cabana Boy for the WIN!

Photo of the elusive Alex Cavanaugh

Yesterday I went to check out my blogger stats and the NUMBER ONE search term for people finding their way to MY BLOG last week... Cabana Boy.



*sniff*



I'm so proud!



Number one referrer I've never heard of.  Anyone know anything about Social Elephant something something? But the number 2, 4 and 7 were various places from Alex Cavanaugh's site, so Alex, I owe you!!! (maybe I will let you claim you are the Cabana Boy pictured... though then your wife will have to learn how to fight)  Seriously though--you're the dude!





And I checked my flag counter recently, adding Laos for country #166!!!!!  Naked World Domination Tour is proving successful!!!  (in fact Russia was listed as my #2 country last week, which I ADORE, though confuses me, as no Russians leave comments--they must just be searching for Cabana Boys)



Further on the Naked World Domination front is THIS representative had to be rescued... apparently naked rowers should stay closer to shore, but at least he has the right spirits. I have no shame at all in claiming him as one of us.





Finally, today's REAL post is at Burrowers, Books and Balderdash, whereby I prove I'm insane. (so if you have any lingering doubts, you should probably head over there... goes up at noon GMT)





TOMORROW I am stirring up some CONTROVERSY!!!! Come on by and we'll talk about how art is ugly...

400 is the New 200

Just when I am all impressed with myself for hitting 200 blog followers, I realize all these OTHER bloggers with whom I used to be neck and neck are at 400… how the heck did THAT happen?



THEN I started thinking about why I blog and how I blog… I saw a great blog last week about blogging better [can't find at the mo] and it listed all these sites to increase traffic… but with my philosophy, could I DO a ton more?  Could I read twice as many blogs every day?  No.  Do I want to visit the blogs I visit half as much because I have more to cover in a week?  Not really… So I am going to plug along with my slow growth model and be content.  I figure it is a quality set of peeps… anyone who makes him or herself known through comments and follows gets the reciprocation, and that is a pace at which I can make FRIENDS rather than just throwing you all in a sack, though I know there are few of you who'd probably like to get in the sack with a few OTHERS of you (and I'm not saying you can't... I'm permissive that way—I might even get in the sack WITH you if we all get to dance like I like...) I'm just not going to force it.

That Said… I LOVE LOVE LOVE my Flag Counter



I had my 105th country on Tuesday, Mongolia. And then Wednesday I had my 106th, Cambodia (does that mean more than half the world has visited me? I think it does! HALF THE WORLD IS NAKED!!!   And THIS tickled me like crazy (I found it in my counter list of where recent hits came from—which is an inadequate counter list, as it only tells me the last ten, but it's free, and sometimes it is CRAZY interesting)… I think it may be Hungarian, but I’m not sure.  I love the arbitrary nature of things not translated… minski ramblings in particular pleased me.

What I really want though, is some SIGN from the countries who visit but don't say anything... I want to know who you ARE! I adore Boonie—and Thailand is pretty exotic... I had head starts on India and Norway—friends there before I started blogging (still, Norway is my #1 non-English speaking country, and Greece is #2—both of which I only knew one person before I started). But I want to know who is here from RUSSIA! (17 people if the counter is right), Bulgaria (32), Poland (44) and then the countries in the middle east (Pakistan=20), Africa (though all are only single digits) Brazil (58)--talk to me! Who is here! PLEASE, anyone who reads, I'd love to just know who you ARE!

Okay, I've left it short, as yesterday was potentially the longest day in HISTORY—daughter was supposed to be to the pool by 5 am, I was meant to power walk (but we BOTH failed to set alarms... guess we needed sleep), worked all day, curriculum night at the high school... This morning was the make-up power walk and TONIGHT is SON'S curriculum night *dies*



But it IS Thursday, and I know I don't have to remind you what THURSAY means!

Fitness Blah Blah Blaj

First off, I had a string of new followers this week... 13, I think, which is quite a lot in a week that I'm only half sure what I did right (and that didn't come until Thursday)—because hosting Elizabeth was DEFINITELY a good move on my part!--the post with her 18 Helpful Marketing Tips has been linked by several helpful people and I suspect may get hits for a long time to come. Makes me think I ought to organize a sidebar with 'most popular posts'. I believe I have @InkyElbows (Twitter name) to thank once again for part of the spread.  But at that point I'd already added a fair few...

So anyway WELCOME to new followers! (and I now have 96 flags—the most recent is an 'unknown European Union' one—whatever that means... Peru right before that) For some reason those flags make me really happy. I suppose it's because Naked WORLD Domination needs to reach all over the WORLD, ne?



Any, Saturday is typically my fitness day, so... Back to it...





Fitness Update



So it WORKED! (mostly... but mostly sort of counts, right?) Now I suppose I should start with my to-do list from last week, so you know it wasn't a TOTAL success...

Exercise Ball? Erm... not so much.

Weight Lifting? No but... no but... no but... I did some counter push-ups and stuff... (my upper body isn't strong enough for traditional push ups, so I often do them leaned against a counter--the steeper the angle, the closer to a real push-up) so... sort of.

Diet Coke Drop? SUCCESS! I had one Wednesday, but I figure one a week is perfectly reasonable. (maybe even TWO, but I didn't start counting until Monday, so it is only half a week. The point was, I RESISTED 4 days)

Writing down points? Erm. No.



BUTTTTTTTT!!!!! I COUNTED them. And I ate on plan Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, was only a little over Wednesday and on Friday I followed other than the allowance for a couple drinks... it's a Friday thing...



I know. It sounds an awful lot like I didn't do it at all, but that, in a WAY is the revelation... because this was such an improvement (enlightening me on just how FAR I was from doing it BEFORE). And it got me back to where I needed to be to lose weight—yes, slowly, but slow is okay.



My friend Linda (who is a Registered Dietician) says slowly lost weight stays off longer. And losing is better that staying the same (if you are overweight) and it is almost ALWAYS better than gaining, unless you are a baby or child... or very sickly. Which I'm not.





And my own weight is back to my low, so no new weight loss, but I am down 41 pounds since January and feeling ready to now START!

I guess my real victory—And I think it IS one, in spite of only doing one of four things on my list, is that my HEAD is actually back in the game. I FEEL like I am DOING it.



So giving a shout out—last week I have a few who wanted to join in either the HOT SHOULDERS campaign or the weight loss piece... Success? Near misses? Better luck this week?

TARTIVERSARY!!!!

It's a Tartiversary

It's a Tartiversary

It's a Tartiversary

Iiiiiiiiit's a Tartiversary!



(come on... sing... I know you know the tune...)





You know what I just learned? If you 'google image' the word Tartiversary, EVERY image is from my blog! That makes it my OWN FREAKING WORD! Oh sure, I lent it to my Sister Tart last week, but she apparently wasn't nearly obnoxious enough with it...

The pool is filled with champagne, The kiddie pool is filled with pudding (to wrestle in--Alex, does this help make up for the man butts?), the fountain is filled with chocolate, and the Soundtrack for the Naked World Domination Plan is PLAYING!



Super Freak



Rainbow Connection



Boys Wanna Be Her (Doll, you make them feel so small, and they love it)--does this song scream World Domination Tour or WHAT?--Video is on the violent side, but I LOVE the song...



I can't believe it was only a year ago I began this blogging thing—it is such a natural extension of my insanity that I really should have discovered it in about 2001, though my life at that point (with a 6 and a 2 year old) wouldn't have accommodated it time-wise. But MAN, this is fun...



I think most people, if you talk to them, have strong preferences for the kind of social networking they like best, and this is DEFINITELY my thing. I love Facebook, but it is more a keep up with friends tool than a make NEW friends tool—Oh, I've made a few friends there—my sister Tart, Jan, I found there... The Divine Marian... but I feel like HERE, with the volume we all SHARE, it is far more conducive to getting to KNOW each other... Facebook, mostly, are acquaintances... HERE we make friends. Twitter, we NETWORK. The Twitter thing I think I ONLY do for the cross pollination of the other things I do... to Tweet about blogs... and that is important, as I learned recently with the BuNoWriMo thing... MAN, can it make a difference! But it is too fast paced and 'right place/right time' dependent. I don't like something I have that little control over. Blogging though... THAT, I love... you see... I get to spout my ideas and opinions and then people READ THEM! HooHOO! (is my narcissism showing?)







Sentimental Journey



I finished my first book in October 2008 and proceeded to polish and hone. In April 2009 I (MISTAKENLY) felt I was ready to query for the first time and dived into Facebook with an author's profile. Two months later, I decided I needed a blog. My first ever post can be found, here. A little after a month in, I came out as having my writing roots in Harry Potter and invited my friends (see below) and I started madly inviting my Facebook friends to follow via Networked blogs... progress tricked along... I made friends... and oddly enough, I grew in my confidence to DO THIS THING. I think NaBloWriMo (National Blog Writing Month, post a blog every day for a month) last October, took things to a new level... for starters, I dragged some of my writing group into this blogging thing... (me and my FOMS[Fear of Missing Something], doing that peer influence thing...) it's always been the way... The Tart can't resist and soon all her friends are knee deep in it...



But that was a turning point of sorts... a feel for how EVENTS can grow things... I've waxed and waned for how much of that I had time for, but I've definitely kept my eyes open, as I think it's one of the better ways to grow your blog visibility, and if people never see you, they can't fall in love.



And I fit in the writing stuff... oddly enough, writing four more books in that year, but having my GRANDEST success via blog... voice spotted... suggestion made... trial attempted... so a year later, I may not have an accepted book, but I DO have a contract... and agent... a plan... leave it to me to back in...





Blog High Points



(these are the ones that sort of shocked me at the time with a high number of hits or comments)

August was about the point I passed the 'average of five' comments per blog... but the formatting for the blogs back then lack paragraph breaks for some blogger related reason... I was angsty in August, probably because I was querying, and that was when I CONFRONTED my mother about problems I'd identified clear back in June. But I was definitely getting my legs under me, planning my book tour, joining stuff, making friends, I started getting blog hits for people searching Naked World Domination Tour and Nudist Group. In February..., 8 months in, I finally felt my first inkling of fame with  Be A Blog Slut (19 comments, which at the TIME felt like a million)... Some may have frowned at my resorting to admirable arses and beautiful behinds in April as I blogged A to Z, but hey... when you are a Tart, it is probably better to work with it than against it—you try to hide it and eventually you offend 'em ANYWAY and misleading then offending is worse than being upfrontally offensive... or so I see it... sort of the difference between being a tease and a slut... see, the first is unforgivable, the second, merely naughty... such is tart logic.







Fabulous Followers



I was feeling really proud of progress, then went to Karen Gowen's Blogiversary yesterday and saw in one year SHE had earned 256 followers, or some such thing... Ah well... there will always be overachievers out there, eh?



My story is slow and steady... My Zodiac location (Cancer) on the solar map, in some cultures, is the tortoise, after all (still crusty on the outside, soft in the middle, with a shocking resilience) My first followers came as I poked a couple friends (mostly my writer's group), but the first big spurt (13 followers according to the comments on the Harry Potter outing post listed above) came from me making a plea where people already knew me. You see, I got my writing legs acclimated at HPANA, a Harry Potter site, writing fan fiction. I went from a tentative wobbly writer, to a confident (if still insane) one. From there I begged on Facebook... (pathetic, yes, helpful... erm... probably). NEXT, I started stalking Elizabeth, and following the blogs in her sidebar and commenting THERE (that helped a bunch—she's friends with some very nice people)--for the record... if you want to build a following, I DEFINITELY recommend stalking someone who's doing it right.



My first EVENT that earned me followers in a batch was the NaBloWriMo-- there was some mutual following and lots of support—I think I maybe earned another dozen followers that way... the year rounded out with maybe 50 followers at my 6 month mark... Participating in Amazon earned me some more, but possibly only because I began a TOPIC there on blogging and got it rolling. There was a way to LINK blogs, but I think people weren't actively doing much with them.



By April and Blogging A to Z, I had 70 followers and gained about 40 through participating from blogging A to Z , a handful from BuNoWriMo and a couple even in the last few days that I think may be because I am following more Cozy Mystery blogs and Tweeters... So there we have it... one year and looking like 131 followers via Blogger, 147 through Facebook (though I figure there is about a 30-50% overlap—people following both ways. So somewhere around 200 people...





It pleases me.

My Thanks to You



I don't have large stashes of swag to share, but I want to do a drawing to thank all of you, past and future for supporting me.



Leave a comment FOR TODAY, June 12, totaling the following.



-New followers get one (after I went to bed last night—via blogger—I don't have a way to see WHEN network bloggers join, BUT if you were a follower via FB and ADD via blogger—tell me, you can get the 3) , older followers get THREE entries (because I love you already and want you to have an advantage for already being on the Good Ship Tart!)



-If you can get THAT man to follow me, automatic win.



-Tweet me—one more chance (please include @hartjohnson)



-Facebook share this post—one more



-Mention in a blog with a link (and share with me)—two more



I am giving away a critique—either a plot read of a whole novel (up to 500 pp). Review will include a summary of strong and weak, and probably a sentence or two for each chapter about what worked and didn't, or a CAREFUL read—grammar, sentence structure—in track changes, of the first 50 pages. I'm not a super SPEEDY reader, but I've gotten pretty good at suggesting how a broader work might be improved. If you don't NEED a critique, it is transferable to someone you are friends with who DOES need one--just email me with who gets it.



I will tally and do the draw at the end of June... closing Midnight East Coast US time as it turns from June to July. but I am only considering comments on TODAY'S blog. (just a ton easier to keep track of)







Back to the PAH-TAY!



So your final assignment is to do something this weekend that is a SPLURGE. Eat or drink something you normally don't, spend some time (alone, with someone—define your splurge) that is indulgent compared to normal life, enjoy some scenery, or some company, or some aesthetic pleasure that you usually just put off... (it could be a museum if you like art, a trail if you like nature, a nudy magazine if you are Mr. Tart...) Whatever it is you ENJOY that you normally put off... enjoy it a little this weekend... as your Tartiversary present to me!  If you can do it naked, all the better--at the VERY least, forgo pants.



You people are FABULOUS!

Belligerent Burrower

Yeah, me. What of it? Sometimes when I fly by the seat of my pantslessness, which I pretty much always do, I forget stuff. I don't mean to... my intentions are good... but the fruit gets rotten, or the email doesn't get responded to, or... you got it... I forget to tell all of YOU something cool is going on!

Now hopefully this month you will forgive me as TWO somethings cool are going on, and I got the word out pretty darned well about BuNoWriMo... Pretty much everybody who's anybody who didn't have a conflict is participating, knowwhatImean? We have 110 participants! And THAT is a flipping success. I just don't think you could call it anything else.

(and I am at 20,503 words=41%!) Now if you are pretty sure you are SOMEBODY, and you don't have a CONFLICT it is not to late to join us... the daily word count is creeping up, but thus far I've managed better than 2500 words a day, so I figure you could join as late as the 10th and STILL do it. Come on... All the Cool kids are doing it! *cough*



Along with that... can I tell y'all a secret? You won't tell, right? The Burrow, with the wind up of this WriMo, is launching an author blog with ALL of us... I'm really excited, partly because I love my Burrowers so much and it's fun to do something together—we have a synergy as a group, I think that is... well, if not magical, at least somewhat insane... but insane in a good way.



Wait... but I was going to tell you what I forgot to say! Right.



In JUNE, The Burrow website, where we've been doing projects together for about a year and a half... in fact a year and a half this month! Well, we have a FUN FEATURE... See... a few months ago, you'll remember Lee at arleebird's Tossing It Out, hosting a 'Blogging A to Z' yeah? The Burrow decided this month we would DRABBLE A to Z, and some of these drabbles are PRETTY DARNED AMAZING!



What's a Drabble, you ask? A Drabble is a short work of fiction: exactly 100 words (no more, no less) that is a fun exercise in both brevity and word play. The term is a Monty Python one, and since the majority of us practice Digression as religion, the Python Cast are minor deities.



Normally, we write Drabbles to images... something originating in the Steinbeck Cafe, an online literary cafe (now, sadly, out of business) where most of us first connected as writers... THERE we would choose a work of art and all write short stories, but at the website, because of... you know... the attention span of most people (not EVERYBODY can read something... say... as long as my blog *shifty* and keep following... but we felt the drabbles gave us maximum opportunity to show our breadth (we are a very varied group) without anyone (and nobody called me out by name) hogging all the attention.



Anyway (is that the point, I see just ahead?) THIS month, we've all taken letters—randomly assigned, though I haven't examined the random letter generator... I suspect there was also an effort to spread us out, as I got C, J and W... but each day a new letter is revealed... We even have our first guest Drabbler (we plan to have some more as time goes) this month—Marjorie is joining us... though I forget her letter...



So go over and check us out! A new letter is revealed daily—making today, what—I—wait... no... Sundays don't get letters and we've had 2... so G? (I particularly recommend D. Jason would lead you to believe he is a blushing wallflower, but he is among the cleverest, funniest people I know) So hopefully peeking NOW, when you can see several, will be incentive to also go back later in the month when a few more letters are up... or that is the goal...





In other news...





In keeping with the B Theme. (did you notice there is a B theme?) I have a big thanks for one friend B and a hysterical image from another friend B to share with you today...





Naked World Domination Tour gets Sound Track!

You got it! Heard it here first! About a week ago, B. Miller gave prizes on her Pay It Forward deal—one to the fabulous Karen Gowan for all her fine work advancing the cause, and one (randomly selected) to yours truly—My prize—a copy of the Literary Mag with B.'s latest published short story—and can I just say it is FABULOUS—B. Has incredible skill with words—a gift.



Some of you may have seen posts recently on description—Elizabeth had one yesterday and Charmaine maybe Thursday... the CONSENSUS is it is harder than snot to do right, but you know what—B. has it DOWN. Reading, you can actually see and feel and taste where you are (in the story I mean... it would be weird if you couldn't sense where you REALLY are)... it is SO VIVID, but done with a touch where it is all just brushed on in passing—you barely notice noticing... none of that heavy handed narrator telling... all just the observations a character makes, told in beautiful prose. And the contrast between the beautiful prose and the main character, who you learn is in the middle of doing something REALLY DASTARDLY! Powerful stuff. I recommend all of you go over to her blog and follow the couple links to things available ONLINE, and it will prove you may want to order one of these hard copy versions too—this one is a journal called Fissure...



But that wasn't the songs part... the OTHER prize was a Mixed tape of Songs B. picked just for ME! There were silly songs, artisty songs, and Tarty songs, and it is PERFECT for the Naked World Domination tour. Most of it I hadn't heard, though a few favorites (maybe 7 of the 23) I had, and a few had familiar components (like I have heard a few Vampire Weekend songs (love Oxford Comma—what writer geek wouldn't?) but hadn't heard Horchata, the one included (and I can say this proves I like the band more broadly than just their couple geeky songs).



So for all of you on board with the Naked World Domination Tour... We are WIRED FOR SOUND!





And then the biggest laugh I've had in a long time, courtesy of another B. friend... hopefully he won't mind me sharing with my 200 best friends, as anyone FRIENDS with him, saw on Facebook, and nobody else will have a clue who he is...



Y'all know I'm from Idaho, right? Redneck country? I'm a bleeding heart and never fit in there much, but I know a few really fabulous people that fall into all of the stereotypes, though in this case, in a much more humorous, good-natured way than those stereotypes might allow. (he has a very quick laugh, and I love that)



What helps with the mental image here though, is this guy is about 6'3” with a FULL beard... does some of his poses with his guns and his game (like a good Idaho boy)... This was his Sunday status:



Wide awake @5? Have I said I was shameless? Let the dogs out,walk down stairs, hear (dogname) howl, run upstairs, they have the 11yr old paper girl surrounded!! I open the door and yell, they come running, then back to her wagging and licking. Instead of tossing the paper she brings it to me... I've been hiding behind the door in my bikini cut man panties and racy blue sling...think my face may have been red....



MAN I wish I had a real picture... I love that mantie look on a really big guy *snicker*

Stuff Wot I Neglected

So Lola pointed out yesterday that I had goofed REAL BAD in neglecting certain Viking Icons, and when I went to find what I'd been missing, MAN OH MAN! THANK YOU LOLA! You're my HERO!



In case there was anyone similarly lacking in education, I present for you:

Erik the Viking Vamp



This is no SPARKLY Vampire! THIS, is a NAKED Vampire!!! A HOT Naked Vampire. None of that rated G monster for the Tart. Lola, Dahlink, I hereby grant you lifetime membership on the executive board of the Naked World Domination Tour!

How is it even POSSIBLE I have missed this man morsel? In my defense, that whole bad writing, ending out of left field thing did serious damage to a genre that doesn't deserve it. I mean seriously... Dracula is pretty good (great, if you consider its 1900 decade peers), I loved Interview with a Vampire (though confess to being a less sophisticated reader 20 years ago--I may have even liked Twilight back then). I enjoyed The Historian. All those though, deal with the monstrosity of Vampirism, even if the Anne Rice version was sympathetic (I guess I expect the narrator to be sympathetic, so it makes sense). I even have a rather classy Vampire (Dracula himself) featured in one of my fan fictions (The Best Laid Plans) that ends up in Romania (because of course that is where Rowena Ravenclaw's WAND should have been (it was my theorized Ravenclaw horcrux... Y'all know I spent YEARS trying to predict Deathly Hallows, right?) Victor Krum even gets BITTEN by a Vampire—it's a fun tale! *cough*



But anyway, again, THANK YOU LOLA for introducing me to Erik, my newly preferred vampire...

Welcome Newbies!



On my Flag counter, I had 3 new countries yesterday! Malaysia, The Czech Republic and Iceland! I also, embarrassingly, had a new Swedish visitor (embarrassing because I poked a little fun at them). I just love watching the Naked World Domination Tour take off! Though I have to wonder a little bit when one of my new visitors is looking for spankings in the bathtub *snort *







And the FINALE: Old Friends... well not OLD, but LONG-TIME



I told you guys all about WAITING for Marie on Saturday, but I DIDN'T tell you about our visit!



I don't know how many of you share this experience, but I suspect, given the dominance of writers among my readers, that it isn't uncommon... you have a more peripheral friend... one you get along with, but don't KNOW particularly well... you find each other on line (two people who LIKE to interact in WRITING) and you find out you enjoy each other more and have more common ground than you ever realized, because in the REAL world, you just run in different circles.

This is Marie and I. Marie is a year older (not apparent) and the personal trainer between us (much more obvious) but we went to the same GRADE school--we're talking 35+ YEARS—her sister is my age and actually the only person who ever inspired ME to act competitive (I am rather mellow unless provoked)--Marie and I seem to share this...



We both took Spanish, and so went to Europe on the same school trip, circa 1980... okay, it was IN 1980...--she encouraged me to 'go for' a boy who was very cute but much older and therefore intimidating to inexperienced me. She was always bubbly, outgoing and popular... I was NICE (nobody really DISliked me), but didn't really find my social footing until college. I never offended, but neither was I the center of attention (that is only my writer persona)--but Marie is the real deal.



When I was first tempted into the social media, after more than a year sticking exclusively to a Harry Potter site... that's right, only the one... (HPANA, I love you-and Cheeser, if I sell a book, you can expect a check!)... I was convinced to give MySpace a try. I had my 14 HPANA friends... and Marie. She was the first person from my high school I found who I knew well enough to say—hey yeah—this would be a fun connection to make... There were more, eventually, though at MySpace I think I only EVER had 50 friends before I switched over to Facebook. But in that early era of social networking, Marie and I had a chance to reconnect before 'the party started to fill up' so to speak. I LOVE each new friend I connect with, but I feel like MOSTLY it is 'catching up' where those first early ones allowed a 'get to know' time before things got noisy—ifyouknowwhatImean...



So I was thrilled and flattered when I shouted out that I was going to Baltimore for my conference, that Marie said she would drive up from Virginia to meet me for dinner.



And you know what I noticed?



That it's TRUE that all this online communication grows a friendship--I KNEW this among 'never met friends', but it works for these 'growing friendships' too. That it is EASY to talk to somebody you've been 'talking to' because you know what to expect. I also noticed that we had a LOT of differences in our perceptions 'back then'. Part of it was probably Marie being older and popular—we had shared events that I remembered HER and she didn't remember ME. But part of it was just our very different interactions with different people, or the TIME when history happened... for instance, my class in the elementary was the LAST for the most popular 5th and the most popular 6th grade teachers... Marie didn't KNOW because she was at the Junior High before that. (I have a THEORY about my class with its 8 Valedictorians—4 of whom I went to grade school with—of 5 grade schools—but that is a DIFFERENT kind of story).  And me... being the 'good girl' (I hear you snorting, don't think I don't) had different expectations from teachers, than poor Marie, who is drawn like Jessica Rabbit.





Mostly, it is just REALLY fun to reconnect. I'd like to say even way back when that Marie saw the potential of the Inner Tart—encouraging the wildness that makes life more interesting at a time when others were painting me 'nice'. Though it's possible she just took on the 'corrupting young minds' mission well before I did.  So Marie—THANK YOU! It was fabulous!

Hooray Hooray the 8th of May!

Oh, I know... not until tomorrow. But if I don't tell you TODAY, you might waste precious time and not celebrate to the full capacity of the BEST holiday there is!



Anyone who's known me for any length of time KNOWS what this is, because as a dedicated nudist, this holiday and I go... hmmmm all these sayings that seem like they ought to go here are clothing related, and therefore TOTALLY inappropriate... even peas in a pod seem prudish. Hand in hand is okay, but awfully PG... It's like the spicy on a pepper, or the peanut butter on the chocolate... they are just better together!





My Initiation



At the risk of TMI... okay, so TMI is par for the course around here... I was first exposed (pun intended) to the holiday back when I still lived in tiny little Moscow, Idaho. Let me tell you a few things about Moscow, Idaho... it's small (still only 20,000) and the population is approximately 50% agricultural and 50% academic. You heard me... EVERYbody, is either affiliated with the university or farms. No builders. No plumbers. There is one electrician (my stepdad) but he's retired. Nobody works retail. It is entirely agricultural or academic... *cough * I hope you all know when I'm having you on by now, but my exaggeration is smallish.

If you drive in any given direction from Moscow, you hit another (smaller, except in the case of Pullman, Washington, which can likewise NOT claim metropolis status) town and a lot of hills, small mountains, trees... It's really pretty, but if you are a teenager there, there are only so many activities to occupy your time. Some people engage in the mindless drivel of academics, music, sports... but for the most part... There are only a very few activities 'normal' kids engaged in. (and I wholeheartedly PLEAD that you understand I shed my bounds of normalcy... but at the time...) Namely, sex, booze, and rock & roll. You heard me... I was a metal head who drank and screwed in the backs of cars. (In my defense, all the cool kids were doing it) *cough *

The University of Idaho (the hometown university) where I had a lot of friends, had an excellent theory of applying academic concepts to this sex, booze and rock & roll mentality. Never have I seen people apply more creativity and intelligencia to having a good time. I loved the University of Oregon, where I went for my degree, and as an adult, Oregon is HANDS DOWN my preferred state, but UO could not hold a CANDLE to the University of Idaho where getting a party on was concerned. This was the home of frozen hot wheels (thank you, Ned), Crisco Twister, and to my knowledge

(though the posers at Washington State University just across the border are trying to claim it)... Hooray Hooray, the 8th of May. [the University of Idaho and Washington State University lie just 6 miles apart—I know this, as in HIGH school, I periodically went to WSU parties, knowing at the University of Idaho I might see someone who would say, “Hey, she's still in high school”--yes, I was a smart deviant.]



It was among these fellows... (the Idaho ones) that I had my first exposure...

By now, my Intelligent Readers, I'm sure you've GUESSED the nature of Hooray Hooray the 8th of May... It's National Outdoor Intercourse Day! Only over the years, it has become INTERNational Outdoor Intercourse Day..

Do I thought I'd offer up some suggestions, in case you aren't quite as twisted as me (or still have snow on the ground) (or have big giant SNAKES IN CANS—hear that Cher-Bear, I will NOT be having GROUND intercourse in Arkansas! Stand up, sister! Probably wise advice in Florida, too, in case all that noise arouses the Gators!

Sex standing up requires at least one strong, well-balanced participant, so I generally recommend something to prop yourself against. Buildings are okay. Trees too. But both have a rather rough texture. Lawn chairs leave obnoxious stripes (grass leaves imprints AND stains!) Sand will be with you until retirement. So WHERE, pray tell can one have sex outside?



I think my Buddy SteelMagnolia might (or might not) recommend the hot air balloon. Swings can be interesting, though I haven't tried that in my wide-ass life stage... picnic tables, if outfitted with a table cloth are a pretty good option—especially if you've left food props handy. Woohoo! A little honey, a little butter... NOW we're talking! Boats are good—especially if you add a balancing challenge, like in a canoe! A car is not really outside and SOLIDLY cheating. (so is a camper or a tent, though an air mattress under the stars will suffice and is probably the most comfortable option).

The reality though, is you REALLY just need to go into the holiday prepared. TAKE A DAMN BLANKET! All those rough surfaces are no longer an obstacle. In case you are still sure... here are some guidelines...



And MINIONS? This is a holiday FOR YOU! Enjoy it!

Uber Underlings

Seems I shouldn't have to say it, but if a Tart has World Domination Aspirations -particularly World Domination Aspirations as important as NAKED World Domination Aspirations (which clearly she does), she needs MINIONS-- a large army of followers set to disperse over the world and spread the plan. You know... cause otherwise the whole thing is just WORK, WORK, WORK. But just because I am an Empress/Dictator type, that DOESN'T mean I don't LOVE MY MINIONS!





Now I love a lot of people who aren't really quite underlings... I have friends set on SHARING this World Domination Role, and provided they are committed to the NAKED part, I am a sharing kind of gal. Most of my fellow Burrowers, for instance... total co-Leaders in World Domination Plans...



But what about these Younger people who will lead when she retires to her private island with her seventeen Cabana Boys? Surely there is some GROOMING involved... making these future leaders READY to promote Nudity and rule with a kindly, but sure hand.

There is also a line in my mission statement about corrupting young minds (yes, I have a mission statement—you think I'm just fooling around with all this?) And so combining these goals—molding minions and corrupting young minds has long been a part of my Naked World Domination Strategy.



Okay, so maybe the Naked World Domination Plan is a metaphor of sorts... *shifty * If you ask me tomorrow, I won't admit it... but what it is REALLY about, is encouraging the inner writer. You see, my writing roots are a little less lonely and began a little less... prestigiously than some. I began in the Fan Fiction Arena. And you know what? I will never regret it. THIS is one of the reasons.







Giving Back (A Digression)



In my day job I work with young researchers, graduate students, medical students, and sometimes undergrads. Working with them can take a significant amount of time—teaching them what to do, supervising, redirecting, teaching some more. But usually when they are done, they understand a lot more about research and have achieved something (whether it's a presentation, a poster, or in the case of the medical students, a co-authored journal article). They are then ready to go out into the world and fly a little higher, and our group is left feeling warm and fuzzy and able to say we helped launch them.



I see this writing thing as similar—somebody farther on the achievement spectrum offers some advice, or even a true hand (encouragement, critiquing, introducing, helping), and we in turn offer the same. But SOMETIMES when you offer back that help, the gratitude can be one of those things that sort of knocks you on your BUTT.



It is just such a fabulous, warm, and surprising little thing to find out there.



So today I am being Thankful for being Thanked—how is that for taking the long way to get to the point?

Kassy with a K



I met Kas when she was 17 and was writing an unlikely romance version of Book 7 in which Draco and Ginny are thrown together—both feeling outcast and desperate, and ending up helping each other. Now I don't READ romance, for the most part, but her emotion was so infused with realistic feeling, and her plotting to get this unlikely pair into a frame of mind where they might actually consider each other was so detailed (and psychologically accurate) that I fell in love with her writing and began encouraging her.



We've moved along and progressed. She is now a 20 year old college student in Psychology (my own field) and we've stayed friends. This Christmas she sent me the sweetest card, thanking me for the encouragement, and not too long ago her mom even sent me a facebook message thanking me—that floored me a little. My encouragement has moved her enough to talk about me in her REAL life, which in turn moves ME to be a sniveling idiot about it—yes, I cried.



So Kas, I love you! Good reminder for all of us to let the people who've encouraged us know, because it feels good!



Leesh



I haven't known Alicia as long—we really got to be friends during the NaNoWriMo this year—I encouraged a number of HPANA people to just on the bandwagon, and she was an early taker (and the first one done). She reminds me a little of ME, oddly enough. I think he mind is capable of the twisty, bendy thing (she certainly seems to appreciate it) but she also has that tenacity to take a project and dive in with full force.



She took a blogging break recently, but on Thursday (Earth day) in honor of the Au Naturale aspect, dedicated her RE-dive-in to ME. Probably appropriate—being delusional Thursday and all.





So I love you, too, Leesh!



And for all the rest of y'all—don't forget to thank those who've helped you a bunch, and encourage and help those who come behind—this is the BEST part of this cycle!

Propriety Plague

I would have been a really BAD Victorian because nothing bugs me quite as much as proper people, but if I lived in a society where EVERYBODY bought into that crap, I'd be in a lot of trouble. I suppose it is grounded in my issues with rules. Say it with me: RULES SCHMOOLS! But there is also a judgmentalism to it and judgmentalism bugs me even MORE than rules. And you know what ELSE bugs me more than rules? POMP. It drives me CRAZY when people act better than everybody else and one of the things those pompous, judgmental people do is act PROPER! Grrrrrrrr.



My mom used to drop the 'ladylike card' when I was cartwheeling in dresses or eating with my mouth open. I'm willing to bet to this day she doesn't see how the feminist “you need to make your own options, because there are no guarantees anyone will take care of you,” ran contrary. Did she want me to act like a lady or be an independent person? I didn't really see that the two were compatible.



No, if proper behavior didn't include baring my bottom before the relatives, I didn't want anything to do with it.



So in an effort to tempt the rest of you away from propriety, I am presenting the prisoners. You see, in the Tart Dungeon there is a Posse of Prisoners for my Pleasure.





Parade of Prisoners

Aragorn was one of the original prisoners and he's been very helpful keeping the other prisoners in line because he's... you know... a MANLY man.  He's been largely resistant on the lingerie training, and he is disinclines to dance like I like, but MAN can he use his sword!

Another early entrant is Captain Jack. He wins kudos for his ability to turn pretty much ANYTHING into a toy, if you know what I mean, and for having that 'look' in his eye that tells me he is one of very few people on the PLANET who thinks thoughts as naughty as mine.

Lucius runs my cabaret. He took to the Lingerie training like wildfire and actually has some skill as a choreographer, so when we have special guests to the dungeon, I lean on him a lot to organize the entertainment.



















And then there is the new cast... (my friend Stacy is responsible for their attire.)

And our new special feature:

First we spend a little time getting really dirty...

Then we get clean again!!!!!







See, isn't this more fun that being proper?

(blog that must not be named)

You know, I was putting together my first GUEST blog yesterday and came across a realization. My first guest will be Lee Libro, BOTH of which start with the Letter L, right? And I was doing J. Now watch this. J, K, L. Are you spotting what I did? On Tuesday, I feature Lee Libro with L and if I just skipped blogging Sunday (like the game was intended), I get to L on Tuesday... How FREAKY is that that I have a guest with a double L name arrive on the day intended for L?

What it means though, is today is my single day this month where I have no lettered theme.



You know what else is cool? Libro means BOOK in Spanish. I don't know if this is Lee's real last name, but I like the idea of an author with a last name BOOK. I ALSO though, started thinking about LIBRO (book) and LIBRE (free). You don't suppose it's an accident that book and free are almost the same word, do you? I just really like that idea.

The Phone Mimic Decoy Bird



There's a type of bird around here that I never saw out west. It's sort of pigeonish, but stupider and not nearly so devious. It's gray with a bulbous chest but sort of delicate and long of tail with a teeny tiny head. The thing is though, it has sort of a mechanical sound (a little like BoBo in the first clash of the titan, but not so extended).



Well whatever this seasons mating call is for this thing, it sounds EXACTLY like our telephone ringer, and it is making me NUTS. Probably four mornings in the last few weeks I've heard the phone ring god-awful-early, ignored it, heard it, ignored it, then woken up enough to realize it's these damn birds.

International party



I've added three new flags recently (I've now had visitors from 50 countries, which obviously means I am to nearly a quarter of the World with the Naked World Domination plans... The last three though, are Latvia, Turkey and now Moldova—I just LOVE having had visitors from places that seem so exotic to me, as I sit here in MICHIGAN.



So there we have it... not much to say but too much to not say anything... guess it's a good thing today was sort of a freebie...

Directional Delinquency

So when I sign up for something, I pretty much always follow through, but I AM inclined to tweak things so I am participating in the SPIRIT of it, if not exactly according to the rules. Today is the day I 'tweak' because I have two things that I am signed up for in April that are in a sort of conflict.





Deliberation of A to Z



The invitation said 'every day but Sunday'. That would get us through the alphabet in the month of April. Yet here I am blogging on Sunday (silly Tart. Why would you do that?)

(Hey! I didn't know you could get a license to be delinquent! I need one!) See, I ALSO signed up to be part of a blog book tour series, and I have THREE authors who will be guest blogging in April and I don't want to burden THEM with the alphabet days. It would be a total fluke it the author name or book title fell on a day that matched, so THOSE are the days I am skipping alphabet letters... See? Tweaking, but still in the spirit of the thing...



It means I will be off on letters compared to everyone else from here on out, but hey... I'm a little off in other ways, too. It's sort of how I roll.

Do's and Don'ts of Drama



DON'T: Display Damsels in Distress. As a book theme, this is one I've got SUCH ISSUES with. I don't like women that need saving—at least not unless they eventually find the strength within themselves... I NEVER want a MAN to save them... bugs the heck out of me. I also don't like heroines who are delicate, dumb or domestic.



DON'T dictate or demean. I can make up my own mind, thanks. Just tell the damn story. And frequently I prefer an anti-hero to decency... in fact inner demons dealt with make dreamy drama!

DO: Display depression, derangement, demoralization or delinquency. Whether villains or heroes, these make for nice internal battles and interesting reading.



DO: Dress your Death Eaters (and any other amusing miscreant) in Drag. Lingerie training is underused as a method of putting someone where you want him, and as a personal quirk, I enjoy it greatly.





Date Day



I am headed to Clash of the Titans with Thing 2 shortly. I don't go to many movies, but I always enjoy them... And Thing 2 is one of my favorite people. Thing 1 gets home from Chicago late tonight and the Big Giant Thing is grounded.

Domingo Desnudo



That's Naked Sunday, Gringo. And it is about time we lobbied for it. Sunday has been a hold out for way too long. And for it, we have a delightful derriere.



So there you have it.

I'll Scratch YOURS

Periodically I pay attention to stuff. I've noticed I have several friends here in the Blogosphere who have book releases coming up, so I thought I would throw out a broad-stroked invitation: If you are

1)  A Tart Follower

2)  With a Book Release that has just happened or will happen soon AND

3)  Are willing to commit to my Naked World Domination Plans *cough *



Okay, maybe you don't need to COMMIT on that last, just seriously CONSIDER...



And you would be interested in Guest Blogging to promote your book, maybe get a little buzz going...



You would be reaching readers who are:

1)  The smartest out there

2)  Really nice people

3)  Well-connected among readers and promoters

4)  Naked

And Here's the Scoop:



She who'd write a Blog for me, must answer me these questions Three, ere the other side she see:

1)  WHAT is your Name? (Author bio)

2)WHAT is your Quest? Erm... Book? (pitch, blurb, cover copy)

3)WHAT is the air speed Velocity of a Laden Swallow? How did you find your way to publication?

If You are interested, EMAIL me with Guest Blog in the subject line, let me know your book release date, and we can set it up: hartjohnson23ATgmailDOTcom.

IF you are Chad Kroeger, Johnny Depp, Viggo Mortenson, Jason Isaacs, or Gerard Butler and you would like your back scratched, call me.  Addendum:  And the previously unknown but undeniably hot Clive Owen.



Acknowledgement:  I should thank Authors Promoting Authors for THEIR campaign along a similar vein, as it probably would not have occurred to me to throw this out there without them.  If YOU have a blog and are willing to do the same, they did a blog last week on the topic.  Check it out and sign up.

For Susannah

[And anyone else in early stages: finishing first book or taking first steps after that]



Before I believed I really could FINISH a book, back in the day I was debating how Half Blood Prince and then Deathly Hallows would go, I met a relatively large group of people that, like me, had writing aspirations. We had varying degrees of confidence in whether we could do it, and varying degrees of skill (stages where we were in our writing, mostly—most people called to write can develop the skill).



When one of THOSE people (my early aspiring writer friends) tells me now that they have finished, or are approaching the end of that first book, I am THRILLED for them. It is stepping stone that is hard enough to make, that once up, there is no turning back—a person who has written a book and has the call to write is truly a writer.  And we've made this journey together.



So yesterday I saw a status message on Facebook from one such friend (one I met trying to prove JK Rowling was a Monty Python Fan), a woman on a VERY short list of women sassier than I am (the only one I know of running a competing Total World Domination Plan, though hers lacks the nudity, so I'm sure you'll stick with mine) but she is nearing the end of that first book. I thought maybe I'd offer some unsolicited advice, cuz you know... I like to tell people what to do.

DEADLINE



You can be 'almost done' for a LONG time. It can linger and hover. I suggest looking at time periods you felt very productive in writing—whatever they are TO YOU. Is it a thousand words a day? A chapter a week? A scene a day? Different people think of their writing differently. But figure out your PACE at that time when you were already productive, and apply it forward.  Choose when you intend to be done by and try to keep on pace to making it.



With CONFLUENCE, that pace for me was two chapters a month. I wasn't thinking in word count (probably because of that writing long-hand thing) but I figured if I could finish two chapters (about 30 pages) a month then I could finish by XYZ date. I had to change it once, because I spent August of that year traveling, but the last 7 or so chapters actually went FASTER. Whatever the case, a deadline helps most people keep on track—it will push you to write every time you are debating between writing and some other activity. Set a deadline.





SOCIAL NETWORKING



Susannah asked me specifically about the blog. She'd put hers on hold because she felt it was distracting her from book-writing time. For book #1, I think that was the smartest thing she could have done. ANY distraction is like a giant wall in your way and you just need to concentrate on the book for now.

Some of the social media you can dapple in and not harm yourself if you don't really do much for a while. I think an author profile on Facebook is a GREAT idea early (I know she has one)--but it is time to start friending and fanning authors, publishers and agents now, then just check in on what they do now and again. They might be offended by you friending them with your PERSONAL profile if you have a lot of updates about family (and your friends and family will eventually be annoyed by the writing updates), but NOBODY is going to be offended if you start building up a network of writers to keep an eye on well before you intend to contribute (same with Twitter)--so both of these are things you can start already—looking for writers and seeing what you like and what you don't from what they do.

(Believe me, there will be things that bug the hell out of you—it's probably personal, but there are some super-marketers offering advice that are WAY too 'in your face' for me—I don't want a daily facebook message in my inbox (status update, fine—THOSE are easy to scroll, filling my inbox for perpetuity? No thanks. I'd appreciate saving it for when there is a BOOK RELEASE or Call to ACTION, and help is needed, or MAYBE a once a week report. THIS IS NOT WHERE BLOG UPDATES GO *cough* can you tell I have issues with this one?  It is why I most often 'unfan')



But back to the blog... THIS is something, that when you want to get blogging AS A WRITER (whether it is about writing, about your content, or a mix of stuff) you want to commit to doing it right.



I blogged about this last month and think the advice on HOW to do it well is still good (Be A Blog Slut). Until you are ready to do it right, I would hold off.  Though I think when it can be committed to, it is VERY important.





First Readers and EDITING



I don't want to be the evil person to break this to you, but there will be SEVERAL rounds of this. I would identify or ASK first readers what their specialty is AS A READER. I would then divide them up.



Your FIRST first readers PLOT READERS should be the ones who spot places you need MORE or that seem INCONSISTENT, or that you're UNCLEAR. They are meta-readers looking at the big picture and the things they identify need to be done before the other stuff can really even be LOOKED at. (I am good at this, possibly because of my psych, so I spot places where motivation is unclear or behavior seems inconsistent)



It is REALLY NICE if you have experienced writers who can do 'scene by scene' letting you know what works, what needs work, and what should be dropped--but only let people do this who have either published, or read REALLY WIDELY IN YOUR GENRE—the people who know what they're talking about.



Some readers are good at things like PACING or STYLE—spotting where things slow down (the style of writing needs to shift a little, depending on the action, and it isn't necessarily easy as a writer to see than in progress.)



And finally, you need a Leanne... The Grammar Police is one way to put this... somebody happy to go through line by line with a red pen, but do this LAST, or you will need to do it AGAIN.





Querying



I apparently don't know what the hell I'm doing here, as I've only had limited success, but there is a LOT of help to be had.  Take advantage of it.  Read the AGENT blogs on the matter--the Nathan Bransford, Kirsten Nelson, Janet Reid variety.  They have great advice--sometimes their preferences are different, which is helpful in that you see it is not a one size fits all thing, but on MANY things they agree--those things should ALWAYS be followed.



This is a skill worth developing because unless you know somebody you can sleep with to get in, 95% of unknown authors get their first work read this way (maybe 4% through a pitch session at a conference, which is even HARDER) and 1% through flukey things (this last appears to be the route I'm on... never have done things the normal way)

PERSISTANCE



This is a marathon. I laugh when I think about how I thought things would go... query, get CONFLUENCE sold, and suddenly I'd have to quit my day job. I was actually worried about things like insurance and such. BAH! I am now a year after my first Query Submissions and have had 3 rounds where I was DEAD SERIOUS in thinking it was ready—I am back to thinking it isn't quite ready (book nor query).



So you HAVE TO in between, be working on that next book, but periodically there will be rewrite/query rounds built in. You will become a MASTER at multi-tasking (or serial tasking) I recommend thinking about things like Amazon because there are people HAPPY to give feedback on things like pitches and that first chapter or so (great people, for the most part)--and they are people who have DONE this.



When you are in this CYCLE though, you need to also be building your network and blogging is part of that. It helps because there is a ton of great advice, and it helps your name and voice get out there. I happen to think this is NOT a normal route, but my BLOG voice is why Elizabeth thought of me when her agent had a cozy project and she didn't have time for it. There are people looking all over, so every little bit helps, but I think every little bit ALSO requires some give. I wouldn't have my following if I didn't follow, comment... all that slutty stuff.





So I wish you (any of you in this early achievement stage) a HUGE amount of luck. It's a very long road, but it can be traversed