On the fifth day of Christmas her Tartness gave to us...
Fi---ive Sii---illy Songs
Four Cross-Dressed
Three Christmas Lists
Two Tartlet Minis
And a Boy Toy on a Hay Bale
Come All Ye Writers (to Come All Ye Faithful)
Oh, come all ye writers
Desperate and reject-ed
Oh come ye, oh come ye to Ha-ar lequin
Come and pay money
to have a book put in your hand
But don't think it will sell a one
No, don't think it will sell a one
No don't think it will sell a one
Iiii----iiiiiit's a scam
Nary a book store
Will see your fancy co-ver
No, don't think it will sell a one
No, don't think it will sell a one
No don't think it will sell a one
Iiii----iiiiiit's a scam
Query Hell (to Jingle Bells)
Which agents should they go
The queries that I send
I offer up my soul
Going round the bend
Envelopes with stamps
Are to my query clipped
Wish I were a well known
Or had a bribe to slip
Oh, Query hell
Query hell
I'm in Query hell
No one asks to read my book
They think it just won't sell
Every typo gone
My plot is oh, so good
I even know my jokes
Are mostly understood, (ha ha ha).
Characters are round
With flaws that help the plot
I just wish this query would
Help this book be bought
Oh, Query hell
Query hell
I'm in Query hell
No one asks to read my book
They think it just won't sell
Adverbs are a Danger (to Away in the Manger)
Adverbs are a danger, so smite them away,
Our books, they belittle and lead us astray.
The words unimportant distract from the plot,
Delete them at once or your book won’t be bought.
Strong verbs how we love them, good nouns are a must,
An adjective now and then surely is just.
Adverbs you are useless, so please go away
Stop dragging down prose for too heav’ly you weigh.
Adverbs I will leave you, and please don’t come back
I’m trying to get off this blasted slush stack.
Be clear, in my daily routine I will use,
But please stop this taunting of my writing muse.
Agents do not like a Whin-er (to Santa Claus is Coming to Town)
You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Agents do not like a Whin-er
He's reading your blog
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out who's dissing advice
Agents do not like a Whin-er
He heard you mocking Meyer
He saw query complaints
He knows if you've played nice or not
So you'd better be a saint!
O! You better watch out!
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Agents do not like a Whin-er
Agents do not like a Whin-er
An because I can't go a day without a nice pinched cheek or two...
Lucius the Cross Dressed Bad Boy (to Rudolph)
You know Saywer and Viggo and Gerard and Johnnie,
And Cabana Boys Rico, Xavier and Ronnie,
But do you recall
The Naughtiest Bad Boy of all?
Lucius, the Cross-Dressed Bad Boy
Had a very shiny crown,
And if you ever saw him,
He sometimes even wore a gown.
All of the other Bad Boys
Used to call him sissy names;
They never let poor Lucius
Join in any hot tub games.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Her Tartness came to say:
“Lucius with your boa so bright,
Won't you be my star tonight"
He danced in rings around them
As the ladies swooned around,
“Lucius the Cross-Dressed Bad Boy,
You sure know how to wear a crown."