I try to see my daughter as much as I can, but sometimes I get turned away. Sometimes, I make arrangements to see her, turn up, ring the door bell of an empty house and she's not there. Sometimes we make arrangements to go out for the day and at the last minute we get a text cancelling. Nonetheless, we never give up. Today she turned up and all was well.Her illness has a cruelty that eats away at her, traps her, sends her to such dark places and only allows her into the real world on odd occasions. Today we got to share one of those odd occasions. We went shopping today to buy Jo new clothes and she was sunny, chatty and easy to be with. I'm totally broke but Jo, I'm sure, will be cheered by looking and feeling better in lighter summer clothes and even allowed herself flip flops and a dress! For a girl who lives in combats, boots and a huge dark coat; she sparkled with the fun of the occasion today and for just a few hours allowed me to have moments with my little girl.
When I look back at their childhood, and the sunny child who loved life; I battle with the what ifs; the personal guilt and ask myself over and over what I did wrong and how I could have made it better. Jo has been ill since she was fourteen and she will be eighteen in December.
A while ago, I was in a busy branch of B&Q, and we sat and had a coffee to break up the shopping trip. A young mum, with a cluster of small children, struggled to get them into highchairs and sat to the table so she could give them a drink. I felt for the poor woman as she did have her hands full. On that day, like today, if God could grant me just one wish; it would be to have just five minutes with my children at a young age again.
