I've mentioned before that though I am drawn a little like Barbie's flat-chested little sister, I prefer to think of myself as more of a Vixen, a Wench, a... yes, I'll say it, a TART. I don't CARE that I don't look the part, I crave sexy, naughty and shocking as part of my identity. I will NOT behave, and I refuse to let YOU without doing my darndest to make sure you know this other way is more fun. So there.
I even like a little DRAMA, though I prefer the variety that can be put on and taken off over the kind that sort of buries you. Because over all, I'm relatively HAPPY, and like to stay that way...
Since I don't look the part though (the Vixen-Tart), I have periodically attracted NICE guys. And here is where we get to my reminder...
I didn't really have a 'boy friend' in high school, per se—oh there were BOYS, and I went on dates, and there were the normal hanky-panky things, but the things that were emotionally serious, were NOT exclusive or monogamous. See, I was typically drawn to the BAD BOYS who didn't go in for that sort of thing.
Get to college and I met a very cute, very NICE boy who was interested in more, and it was a time when I was sort of craving something more committed. And it took, and we spent all our time together, and it was really pretty wonderful until my dark corners started demanding attention. I'd learned some of my naughty lessons from those bad boys, and had internalized them...
Turns out if the PARTNER I choose isn't dark and dangerous, maybe I will make up for the fact. I wasn't very nice in the end... not admirable or worthy of someone who deserved to be treated better. That craving for drama? Oh yeah... I can create it.
I've mentioned I'm a collector, yes? If a person is ever in my life they are FOREVER in my life (including all of you--you know that, right?)—and it's true. At my wedding I had four exes of assorted seriousness. But until this week, this nice boy from college was the exception. He'd cut me off (and deservedly so). But this week, just when I was so irritated with Mr. Darkness, I got a friend request on facebook for the nice guy... reminding me conclusively why I NEEDED to be married to someone DARK. Because otherwise it would be me.
The Sane One
In my marriage there have been some lousy times (and some wonderful ones, but it is the lousy ones I'm writing about, as they are more pertinent to my point—yes, there's a point). I have sometimes wanted to fall apart—wanted to melt down or have fits. But you see, in a family, somebody has to be the SANE one. I've noticed, reading other people's blogs—hearing other people's stories, that SOMETIMES that sanity role falls on the kids and my heart goes out to those people—it isn't fair and is too heavy a burden. Thus far though, in my own life, I've managed to be the sane one. Had I MARRIED the sane one, I might be the nut (or more likely the drunk)--whatever the case... it falls to me to create the BALANCE.
The Writing Outlet
I LOVE this idea in literature... sane people who suddenly have the leeway to fall apart... people who might otherwise fall apart but the situation demands they hold it together for a while... situational sanity interests me greatly. As does the balance in a family... the character holding it together while things fall apart around her.
I also like that writing now affords me a channel for my darkness. I didn't used to have this on the same level (in fact with the college boyfriend I quit writing, as he wanted to READ everything and was very disturbed when the darkness showed), so I had to make up for it in LIFE, but NOW, I can just write the darkness. Not sure my hubby has gotten the message yet--that he no longer needs to be my darkness and can just be happy and nice now, but I see moments of sanity, so hopefully he will get there...